She Just Woke Up

I was looking for places to live in our decades ago hometown. Somewhere nearer family. Somewhere she can get outside without being crowded or afraid. She was always afraid. For months she's been afraid. I started making longer term plans. Where could we live significantly cheaper? What business could I start or do that lets me take care of her? How do I maximize our savings in case she outlives me and is still...

Then she woke up. A round of steroids made her behavior subtly change by day three. It wasn't even specific, more a change in how she engaged with the world. There was improvement which was so painfully slow that I still considered long term plans but became hopeful that in a year or two, thing would be much better for her. She didn't feel hopelessly broken. That was three weeks ago. This last week she just woke up.

There she was her normal self. Laughing, planning, and doing. Accomplishing more in one day than she had in weeks, she's making plans to return to work but could return this moment.

I'm not sure what happened. Accepting that I would have to plan for her long term care while worrying if my health will hold out for the long haul and we are suddenly arguing that old chestnut about the dishes. The silliness that you miss dearly when it's gone, the annoyance you feel when it comes back. It is an odd sense of pleasure to find joy in an annoyance.

She's terrified that it's temporary. Not the unreasonably agonized fears of long covid but rational outbursts in contrast to the first few moments of joy.

I feel delirium, a walk through a constant dream. I was in a bad car accident decades ago. This feels like those first minutes as I got out of the car and wandered the scene attempting to grasp what had just happened but this accident took four months. Did that just happen?